The Art of Babymaking

I picked up all of our meds on Wednesday.  The whole time that the pharmacist and nurse were going over everything I kept thinking, "I sure hope I can YouTube all of this."  Because the fresh IVF cycle in '08 didn't result in a pregnancy my meds have been changed and upped.  Ahh!!


I walked out of the clinic with 2 big bags of drugs and needles and a heavy heart.  I felt alone and pathetic that my body couldn't make a baby on it's own.  Ashamed that something as personal as making a baby resorts to a pharmacist who makes me feel as if he were a football coach talking to his quarterback, "go and get 'em" and a nurse who is as compassionate as she is smart but all I can think of as she shows me one of the injections is that she must feel really sorry for me.  It sucked but at the same time I held those bags as I would hold a child because in a crazy way that's what all these drugs symbolize for us.  Somewhere on the drive home I decided that I hate pity parties so I was determined to leave mine without a guest of honor.  Pity party of one I am checking out!


So here is a picture of all the magic that will help us make a baby.  Science is a wonderful thing.

This morning was my first injection.  It's supposed to be done at the same time each morning which would be ok other than the fact that I get up really early 2 days a week for work.  So at 5:30 Mark gave me my Lupron injection.  Basically this drug suppresses my estrogen which throws me into what feels like menopause.  During an IVF cycle the doctors goal is obviously to get the patient pregnant well the only way to do that is to control every hormone for the cycle.  Lupron is the first step in that.  Of all the injections this one has the smallest needle and is really not too bad.

But holy side effects.  I do not remember them being this bad the last 2 times I went through this.  All day I was nauseous, irritable (no, I am not usually this way), weepy and just felt plain yucky.  I am trying to keep my eye on our goal but as I lie here in bed I can't help but count the hours until the next injection knowing that not too long after the wave of symptoms will hit.....

PS: I have no idea why the font size changed.  Sorry, after 15min trying to fix it I give up or else the computer might end up across the room :) 

SonoWHAT?

So Tuesday was my first appointment back at Huntington Reproductive Center.  Cracks me up because my doctor's last name is Potter.  No his first name is not Harry but each time I say his name I picture the famous boy wizard. And hey if he helped create the miracle that is B he is a wizard to us.  The offiice is really nice, the staff wonderful, remember your name type of wonderful.  But it's hard being there.  A little easier this time because I have B.  Looking around the waiting room I see the couples who I can tell don't have a B waiting at home.  They are hopeful, anxious and scared.  All is riding on them walking into the office and hearing, "yes, we can fix you."  All the while on the inside they are a mess.  It's a heavy place and I went alone. The older I get the more I realize I overcompensate when I am nervous.  I was extra friendly, even accomodating after waiting over an hour to be taken back and I was crazking jokes.  Huh?  Oh how I love defense mechanisms!  Inside I felt less sure.  Questioning why I was putting my body through this again, were Mark and I selfish for wanting another child?  Why wasn't B enough?  And then I found myself in the same room where I had my first ultrasound and we saw B as a little bean.  And I knew it was not that B wasn't enough it's that's she's everything and I want more of everything. 
Anyways, I had my sonohysterogram. Basically he looked at my uterus through an ultrasound to make sure it was still healthy and in the same place.  I'm proud to say my uterus is perfect.  We have our IVF schedule and are all set to start injections Feb. 25th.  That's a week from tomorrow.  Wow.  I wish it were tomorrow.  When you are ready well you are ready....

2nd Time Around

In many ways I think this round of IVF will be easier.  We know what to expect.  A quick refresher course on mixing drugs and giving injections and we should be ready to go.  But at the same time it feels like the stakes are much higher.  When the first round of IVF didn't work in '08 we were devastated and felt empty but we didn't know what we were missing. This time we know what we will be missing if I don't get pregnant again.  Yes we will have B to comfort us but she will also be a reminder of just how wonderful parenting is and how much not only we will be missing but she will be as well if it doesn't work.  That's the only part that scares me.  I can handle the 50+ injections, the side effects and the waiting, I am just worried I can't handle the heartbreak.

All that aside I refuse to go into this round of IVF defeated.  We have great odds. It worked before.  My body can and will do this.  I will squelch the fear and worry and enjoy the 2nd time around.

Open Book

I have been going back and forth on whether or not I wanted to blog about our infertility struggles.  Writing is cathartic for me.  Always has been.  I am an open book, if you ask  I will tell it like it is, ok sometimes even when you don't ask I will still tell.  So, what if what I have to say helps someone else trying to defeat this horrible, unfair, unjust, blob called infertility?  What if one day B or hopefully our other child(ren) want to know more about their beginning?  What if one day I want to write a book (it's on my bucket list)?  Well, needless to say since you are reading this I obviously decided to share our journey.


A little background.  Brooklynn was conceived through IVF with ICSI (in-vitro fertilization).  In fact she was not from a fresh IVF cycle so she was frozen from our fresh cycle that didn't result in a pregnancy.  So she's our icicle baby.  Don't call her a test tube baby or I might punch you.  I think that's an awful term.  The fact that she was an embryo from a previous cycle, frozen, thawed and then implanted and resulted in a perfect little being well that's a miracle folks!


Before I had B I swore we would be back at our fertility clinic within 6 months of having her.  I loved pregnancy.  Loved it.  I wanted more of it.  But once my hormones calmed down I returned to my senses and even went through a period of thinking B would be an only child.  The roller coaster of IF (infertility) is awful.  It's emotionally exhausting and really just a big gamble minus all the pretty lights of Vegas.  There's no guarantee you will end up biological parents, none.  I am a very practical person.  I don't like living without guarantees.  But then there is B in all her loveliness.  How could we not try again knowing that if it worked we would have more of the wonderful, gooeyness that is parenthood?


So this blog is about our journey the second time around.  I will be brutally honest which means to our parents there might be posts you would rather not read.  I am likely to cuss some, ok maybe a lot because there are times when a good curse word is all that's left.  I will try my best to educate because really this is all very confusing.  But please ask me questions along the way if you just don't get it.  I will share pictures of all the drugs, the injections, the BS we have to go through.  I will try to make you laugh because at the end of the day if you can't laugh at what we have to go through to get to parenthood gooeyness then you just may not have a sense of humor at all.


Here we go....